


Love is a Pain Worth Learning

by Nikipa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Canonical Character Death, Death Eaters, Fights, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Non-Explicit Sex, Quick mention of child abuse, but also angst, dancing in the moon light, optimistic James, sad regulus, secret meetings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23333626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikipa/pseuds/Nikipa
Summary: Heroes aren't meant to survive.They didn't stand a chance. They knew it right away.They wouldn't make it. War was coming and war would win.But James was stupid enough to believe they would somehow make it.(or: James and Regulus fall in love during their Hogwarts days and, no matter how much they try to ignore it, a war is about to start.)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 188





	Love is a Pain Worth Learning

**Author's Note:**

> (Title comes from In another Life by Jason Walker, one of the many songs in my jegulus playlist)
> 
> I blame ao3 and instagram cause they made me fall in love with this ship.
> 
> NOTE: there is a dialogue in French between the Black brothers (a couple of sentences don’t worry) the translation is at the end.
> 
> (No beta)

James had met Regulus long before he found him crying in an empty corridor near the Slytherin’s common room.

The first time had been at the beginning of Regulus’ first year, when Sirius had introduced them. They had gotten along pretty well despite their obvious differences. Regulus was a lake while James was an earthquake.

But things had quickly worsened in the Black house, Sirius had started to rebel against his parents, and it had weakened his relationship with his brother. They barely still talked when they came back from the holidays for the boy’s second year. They would nod to each other in the hallways and speak on very occasional times. When Sirius he had finally run away to James’, in the Summer before their fifth year, Regulus even stopped looking at them.

It had almost been a year since he and Regulus had shared a real conversation when James heard muffled sounds coming from an empty corridor. He was under his cloak, following Snape in the part of the castle where he never went, when he stopped and looked around him. He recognized the black curls almost immediately and he got scared, for a second, it might have been Sirius there. But he walked closer to discover it was Regulus.

Unlike his reputation, James Potter did have a heart. However, he couldn’t tell if he was allowed to talk with his best friend’s little brother after everything that had happened. But, since the boy was crying, he couldn’t help himself. He took off his cloak and walked carefully toward the curled-up body in an alcove.

“Regulus?” he called, and he saw him tensed up.

“Potter!” Regulus looked at him with wide wet eyes, “what are you doing here?”

James shrugged. “Pacing here and there...”

“It’s past curfew.”

“You know me, I’ve never been the one to follow rules.”, he smiled.

"What do you want?" Regulus asked, with a sharp voice. He, for one, was not smiling. “Make sure that you are alright.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he snapped.

“Come on Reg... Your eyes are too red to pretend you weren’t crying when I found you.”

Regulus’ eyes flickered and he stood up. “Go away, Potter.”

“Talk to me.”

“Why would I talk to you? We are not friends! I don’t even like you.”

“Well,” James leaned across the wall, “I don’t think you have friends at all.”

“Sod off, Potter!”, he nearly screamed as he tried to keep his voice low.

“Fine.” James lifted his hands in a sign of resilience. “But if you ever want to talk ... About anything...Remember I know how things are at home.”, he said softly as he traced the faded bruise above the Slytherin's neck.

Regulus bit his lower lip as he took a step further from James.

“I don’t need anyone, and I surely do not need you.”

“When you’ll need someone, you know where to find me.”

As much as he meant it, it has surprised James to see Regulus nervously pacing around the Gryffindor common room one night, as he came back from his Quidditch training.

“Regulus?”, he walked toward him, “is everything okay?”

The boy looked around, confused before lowering his head. “No. Not really.”

James nodded. “Okay, what do you say we go for a walk, then?”

So they went. So they walked. So Regulus talked. So James fell in love.

They had secret meetings almost every week and James made Regulus promise to write to him during the holidays. The younger one did. He sent him several letters a week, telling him what his crazy parents were doing, and James tried to cheer him up with some stories about the stupid things Sirius and he did. It had been hard to keep it all from Sirius and James was surprised he actually managed to do it.

It took James three other nights after the beginning of his fourth year to finally kiss him.

*

"Aren't you afraid?", he asked, head on his chest and dark curls tickling his neck. James shrugged and patted his hair.

"Not really."

They were spread in the grass, somewhere far from the castle so they could have a bit of intimacy. James had made sure to take the map so the boys wouldn't find them. It was a beautiful spring afternoon and Regulus, bathing in the sun, pressed against him in the middle of yellow flowers, was a sight he never wanted to forget.

"What if Sirius finds out?" Regulus asked again.

James laughed a little, making the dark curls move in rhythm. "Please don't tell me you're scared of your brother."

"Me?!" Regulus scoffed, "of course not. But I thought you might be."

"Come on. Who is even scared of him?"

"So what do you want to do? Shall we tell him?"

"I don't know..." James hesitated, "I don't really like keeping things from him."

"Yeah, you tell him everything I reckon."

"Is that a problem?"

"It might be for him. I'm not sure he wants to hear about all of the things we do together." Regulus teased.

James ugly laughed and bent over to kiss his beautiful boyfriend. Times like this, when he looked so peaceful, were way too rare.

He always seemed to be bearing the entire world on his shoulders. That fifteen-year-old boy was already old, and James sometimes wondered if ever got the chance to actually be young one day. He knew from Sirius how strict their education had been and it was showing on Regulus' face or moves. Whether he liked it or not, perhaps he did unlike his brother, everything about him screamed ancient pureblood family.

He had manners James liked to make fun of, a posh accent that he tried hard to hide, an eye roll that could compete with Remus' and a large culture that let James impressed. If he was honest, James would even say it almost made him shy. He couldn't really understand why that educated, clever, beautiful boy would even be interested in him.

"You're thinking again..." Regulus noticed as he came closer to his face.

"Surprised I'm not an idiot, aren't you?"

"Please, don't think so little of me, Potter. I wouldn't date someone stupid."

"Aw look at you, being so nice to me!", he laughed and Regulus gently punched his shoulder.

The Gryffindor took his chin and kissed the pink mouth again. Just because he could. Just because he wanted to. And feeling Regulus' smile against his lips might have been the happiest feeling in his world.

"I love the sun, you know," James said, tracing Regulus' face with the tips of his fingers, "it gives you more freckles."

Regulus pretended to vomit "gross, who knew the great James Potter you were so cheesy?"

"I'm only noticing you think I'm great.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, "I did say you were great, yes, but, trust me, it wasn't meant to be nice."

James raised an eyebrow. He lowered his hands on Regulus' ribs and started tickling him.

"What the hell?", the Slytherin screamed before bursting into laughers and rolling between James' arms.

"Say you think I'm great and I'll let you go.", he dared.

"I'd rather die thank you very much.", Regulus managed to say, out of breath and hair everywhere.

James bit his cheek. He had never seen his boyfriend so free, so vulnerable. He wasn't wearing any mask; he wasn't pretending to be who he was expected to be. He was just being himself. He was just being fifteen and having fun. James looked intensely at him, wanting to remember every little detail. Because it wouldn't last. That state of well-being couldn't last, he knew that.

"Okay fine!", Regulus cut his thoughts, "you are great, James le Magnifique."

The way regulus said it, with dazzling eyes, bright smile, made his heart drop. He loved hearing the boy speak French. He loved the way the words would run on his tongue, between his teeth. He wasn't even sure it had been something nice but he didn't care.  
Because Regulus was in his arms, free, smiling, happy. And it was all that mattered. For as long as he could, he made a promise to himself to keep his boyfriend that way.

"See? Wasn't so difficult.", he teased.

"Asshole...", Regulus muttered.

James laughed, "it's too late to return me now, sorry."

"What a shame," the boy sighed, "I'm stuck with you."

"Yeah you are," James nodded, "for as long as you want me."

Those were the happy times when the war had not yet come to get them. When they were still children. Looking back, every word, every laugh, seemed like they were announcing the end.

*

"Come on!" James urged him in a whisper, offering his hand.

Regulus stood still against the cold wall, arms crossed on his chest and his eyebrows lifted.

"Do you really expect me to follow you Merlin knows where after curfew on a class night?", he asked.

"Well...", James shrugged, "yes?"

At least, it made Regulus chuckled.

"I don't want to go to detention. I know it's a hobby of yours. But I don't fancy my parents yelling at me."

"We won't get caught."

"Sure..."

"Regulus? Don't you trust me?", he asked, moving his hand again.

The boy made an exasperated, long, sigh before taking the hand.

"Great." James smiled and pulled out his cloak.

"What is that?!"

"Told you we wouldn't get caught", he winked.

“Where does this come from?? How-"

"Shhh", James interrupted, "we will get caught if you keep talking, yes."

Regulus frowned his brows and could have killed him with his black stare but James was grinning too big to care. He led him outside the castle, at the edge of the forbidden forest. There, a blanket was spread on the grass with many cushions and a big cake in the middle.

"What the-"

"Happy birthday, darling," James whispered enjoying the surprise and the joy on his boyfriend's face.

"How did you... Why... I... James..."

It was something, seeing the boy lose his composure. He was so used to wear a mask, to act properly, that the rare times he allowed himself to be real, he didn't know how to react. He shook his head and ran a hand through his black curls (just like his brother James thought but didn't say a thing).

"Who knew James potter was such a romantic?", he teased.

James shrugged. "I did."

Regulus smiled.

"You know...", he said as they lied on the cushions, "this is actually the nicest thing someone has ever done for me..."

His cheeks became pink and he didn't dare to look James in the eyes. The Gryffindor took his chin between his two fingers.

"That's what you deserve, Reg..."

"Thank you...", he breathed against in mouth before putting his lips on his.

They kissed for a while, wrapped up in each other's warmth. Regulus' reserve vanished on James' mouth. There was a form of hopelessness in the way they held on to each other. They kissed with a weight in their stomach that they both chose to ignore. It was a silent agreement. Taking all they could from their time together. Never talking about what would come next. Never mentioning the upcoming war. They wanted to forget in each other's arms. Regulus had tried once to discuss it but his boyfriend had kissed him harder and he stopped thinking.

"Would you dance with me?", Regulus shily asked, a bit of cake still at the corner of his mouth.

"Dance?"

"I love dancing...", he shrugged, playing with his spoon.

"Er... sure, why not? It's just..."

"What?"

"I'm not sure I'll compete with you in dancing," James admitted and it was rare enough of him to think he couldn't do something.

Regulus smirked and kept his laugh in his chest.

"Aren't you supposed to know how to dance? I thought you were a pureblood too."

"Not all pureblood families tend to be as aristocratic as yours."

"Obviously, I had noticed that."

James stuck his tongue out and Regulus rolled his eyes.

"How are you supposed to be the oldest in this relationship?"

  
  
James laughed as loudly as he did everything else and the Slytherin watched him with sparkling eyes. James wanted to hug him tight. He wanted to kiss him until they were both breathless. He wanted to protect him for the rest of his life.

For the first time, an "I love you" died in his mouth.

  
"Anyway," Regulus said as he stood up and dusted his pants, "come on I'll teach you."

"What, now?"

  
The boy rolled his eyes again. "Of course, now! I don't have all night, James. I intend to go to class tomorrow morning without looking like a ghost.", he rose his hand to interrupt James' opened lips, "any remark about my usual skin color is prohibited."

  
James laughed and stood up too.

“We don’t have any music”, he noticed.

  
  
“Really, James? Did you know you were a wizard?”

“I feel like you are mocking me.”

  
“I wouldn’t dare.”, Regulus smiled as he picked up his wand.

  
He gestured it in this night air, muttering something under his breath until they heard classical music come out of it.

  
James gasped, “how did”

  
“If you spent more time learning your lessons instead of pranking people, you’d also be able to do it.”

  
The Gryffindor stuck his tongue out again and Regulus made another desperate sigh. “Anyway, let’s dance.”

  
So they danced. So James let Regulus led him. So James got lost in his warmth. So James got lost in his mint, jasmine smell. So James swallowed another “I love you” and tried not to choke on it.

  
*

  
And, despite all their efforts, they would have to lose each other eventually. They both knew it from the very start. From the very first glance, the very first brush and the very first kiss. They knew they would have to lose each other. It wasn't going to last. It couldn't last. There was always a voice in the back of their minds whispering it might be the last time when they were together, but they chose to ignore it.

  
Perhaps it was that lack of time that made everything so glorious. Perhaps it was the ticking bomb in the background that made James want to remember perfectly the sound of Regulus' laugh: the way his eyes would sparkle with a childish light, the way his cheeks would be decorated with dimples, the way his whole face would look like he was alive for a moment.

  
Perhaps it was the time running faster than them that made their hearts swing, their heads spin and their stomachs twist in ways they never found again.

Perhaps it was knowing it would come to an end that made the fall so hard. Perhaps, it was knowing it wasn't forever that made them want to forget.

  
They would have to lose each other because there was a war starting and they were on opposite sides.

Because they couldn't possibly make it.

  
* 

“So... you and regulus, uh?”, Sirius said as he joined him in his bed.

James could say he was expecting it.

His best friend’s reaction to his announcement had been way too calm to be true. He had just nodded before going back to his charm essay.

Even Remus, who always made sure not be judgmental, had repeated “regulus?” with wide eyes. He had eventually accepted it, patting James’ back “as long as it makes you happy”.

Peter had blinked, completely shook, but his admiration for James was strong enough for him to be quick to accept it.

Sirius, on the other hand, had worn his unreadable face, the one he learnt during his childhood and that both him and James hated, before shrugging and going by to work. The three others marauders had looked at each other, more disturbed back sirius’ reaction than James’ revelation.

But peter and Remus had been smart enough to decide, it was something the two best friends needed to work on their own. And they had been right.

“Finally”, James moved to make room for Sirius next to him, “I get to know what you actually think about me dating Regulus!”

They were in James’ room at the Potters’ spending their holidays together like the family they were.

“It surprised me okay?” Sirius defended himself as he tangled his legs with James’, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“None of us were...”

“It’s just... I knew you were seeing someone - don’t look at me like that prongs,” he stopped at James’ surprised gaze, “you’re an open book to me -, but I never imagined it could be Reg.”

James shrugged. “I understand it might have upset you...”

“No! Just... I don’t know maybe...”, he sighed and ran a hand through his curls.

They sat together in silence, James playing with Sirius’ long hair when he asked.

“So... do you love him?”

“Are we really doing that?” James scoffed.

“Why not?”

“Do you love Moony?”

Sirius’ cheeks turned pink as his eyes softened in the way they always did when his boyfriend was mentioned.

“That’s not...”, he began, “that’s not about me!”

“But I’m making it about you. You love when things are about you.”

“Shut up, prongs!”

He punched his head and they started fighting each other like they had done for the past six years. Once they decided they were done, they settled themselves on James’ bed and Sirius asked again.

“Do you love him?”

James crossed his arms under his head and he thought about it.

He thought about the freedom on his face when they danced under the moonlight for his birthday.

He thought about the sound of his laugh, his real one, the one he rarely allowed himself to show.

He thought about the curls falling around his sharp face making it look younger somehow.

He thought about his name, escaping from regulus’ parted lips, eyes half closed, cheeks almost red, when he made him come. How he had never felt that worshiped. How regulus had never been that beautiful.

He thought about the taste of the words on the tip of his tongue one afternoon when he saw the sunlight lighting Regulus' eyes.

He thought about how close he was to release them, to say it. How he almost did. How he wanted to.

He ran a nervous hand in his messy dark hair. "Yeah... ", he admitted softy, "yeah I think I love him."

“That’s what i was afraid of.”

“Afraid ?”

“I don’t trust him, James.”

“He’s your brother...”

“No. You are. He lost that title months ago.”, he reminded coldly.

“Pads...”

“He comes from an ancient pureblood family with ideas close to you know who’s. It’s dangerous.”

“Sure your... his family might be dangerous but....”

“He has always wanted to please his parents.” Sirius interrupted, “He wants to make them proud more than anything.”

“Come on Padfoot you don’t actually believe he would join Him?”

“Because you believe he wouldn’t?! Have you talked about that? What did he say?”

James bit his cheek, uncomfortable. “We... we haven’t discussed it...”

“You haven’t ?”, Sirius repeated in disbelief.

James shook his head.

“Prongs. You need to, I mean it.”

And James hated how right he was

*

  
Somehow, the war still managed to take them by surprise. It slapped them, took them violently out of their daydream. They wanted to forget so much, they eventually did. They closed their eyes hard enough to be blind. They had thought they would somehow escape it. But no one escapes the war. Especially not young boys.

  
They saw each other on the train at the beginning of James' sixth year and they could tell something had changed. Without a word. Just the broken gaze Regulus carried, grey eyes darkened with something heavy. James had heard, of course, that the dark wizard had grown power during the past months, that he had acquired many followers. He also knew where Regulus came from. It wasn't hard to guess what had happened, what was going to happen.

  
Sirius’ words echoed in his mind again and he knew he had to talk with his boyfriend.

But he didn’t want to.

  
*

  
They met in Hogsmeade on an early fall weekend. Hands around a hot chocolate, James had thought he’d be able to mention the war. James had tried, he had opened his mouth several times to say it but changed his mind. Because Regulus seemed finally relieved. He had lost his worried frown he wore since the beginning of the semester. He looked adorable, cheek reddened by the fire, his head against James’ shoulders. He looked almost happy. And James surely couldn’t take that away from him, could he?

They ran into Sirius as they made their way back and James should have known it wouldn't end well. The brothers still had a rocky relationship and Sirius had also noticed something about the war during the holidays. He knew things James didn't but he wouldn't tell him.

  
"Well, if this isn't Hogwarts' loveliest couple!" Sirius mocked as Regulus' cheeks turned red.

"Sirius..."

  
"Don't worry Prongs", he flew his hand in front of him, "I won't bother you for too long. I'm just curious..." he turned toward his little brother, "tell me Regulus, tu lui as dit que tu comptais les rejoindre ?"

  
Regulus' eyes panicked for a second. "Sirius..." he hissed.

  
"J'imagine que ça veut dire non?"

  
"Reste en dehors de ça." Regulus warned.

  
"What's going on?"

James cut them off since he had no idea what they were talking about. But, even if he couldn't understand, he could feel their anger. He could see Regulus' tensed shoulders and his nervous fingers playing with his ring. He could see Sirius clenched fists and jaw.

  
"Nothing." They both answered at the same time before sharing a glance.

"Guys..." James sighed.

"It's okay. I'm leaving." Sirius said, "Fais attention, Regulus. Si tu ne lui dis pas, je le ferai." And with that threat, he disappeared. His brother tried to kill him with dark looks from their similar grey eyes.

  
"Regulus?" James asked carefully.

  
"I'm tired, James. I will see you later." he vanished just like his brother in direction of the Slytherin's common room, leaving a completely lost James in the middle of the great hall.

  
He felt like something important had happened in front of his eyes, but he had missed it. He felt like one of the bombs had exploded somewhere and he hadn't received the blow.

Yet.

  
*

  
“Do you ever dream of another world?” Regulus’ sleepy voice asked him.

  
They were lying together on an improvised mattress in the room of requirements. It was pillow talk time but James couldn’t take his eyes out of his boyfriend. He was freed of everything. Nothing but himself. Cheeks still pink, hair as messy as his. He was Regulus, just Regulus. Not Regulus Black, the character, the puppet. He was perfect.

"Yes...", James answered as he let his fingers run on his lover's face, "I do."

  
He actually did. He dreamt of a world where they could just be themselves, where they could just be together, without any consequences. A world without a war. A world without sides.

  
“A world where we could last...”, Regulus sighed, echoing his thoughts, making them sound way too real.

  
He didn’t want to hear those defeated statements. “We are working right now.”

  
“We are living in a lie, James...”

  
“Are we?”

  
“This...”, he wrapped his elegant fingers around James’ wrist, “is nice. More than nice, actually. But it has to stop, you know that.”

  
“Reg...”

“I know you don’t want to think about it, but my brother was right, we both know what is expected from me.”, he said, too casually in James’ opinion.

  
"You could stop it." His voice was only a whisper.

  
"It’s not that simple, James. It’s more than just me."

  
"I'll help you! We can find a way. I’ll protect you."

  
All his Gryffindor bravery was glowing around his words and Regulus could tell how much he meant it. It only made it worse.

"Don't be silly", he shook his head, "you know you can't."

"I can try!"

"Of course, you can, but what for?"

"Saving your life Regulus!"

"Sure. Why don't you start a suicide mission on your own to save me, oh brave man?", he rolled his eyes, more annoyed than scared.

"Regulus..."

"No. You don't understand, James. You have no idea what we're talking about. You have no idea what it means. Bella got marked in the Summer. Lucius, Cissa’s future husband will too. So... It will soon be my turn."

  
“You don’t have to do it Regulus!!”, James cried and moved his hands frenetically around them.

"Shut up." The boy said. "I want my parents to be proud."

  
James stopped instantly, arm still above his head. "Your parents? Aren't they already proud of you?"

  
Regulus scoffed, "well they don't really have a choice considering I'm their only heir now. They have to."

"Siri-"

"Sirius left, James. He ran away. I know you think it's brave but it's not. It has nothing to do with bravery. It's cowardliness."

His grey eyes were burning with a fire James had never seen.

"It's leaving his issues behind, letting me deal with the consequences while running into your arms."

"He didn't-"

  
"I won't do the same, James.", he said, looking right into his eyes, darkened with something too deep for a 16-year-old, "I won't escape this by running to you. I don't need you to play your knight role."

"It's not an act, Reg, you know that I mean it. You know I just want to help you.", James softened, wrapping an arm around his naked back.

Regulus tried to look away from the soft gaze.

  
"Please don't. If you really care, you will stay out of it.", he lowered his gaze, nearly out of breath

  
"I won't stand back and watch you die." James's voice was surprisingly calm. His entire body was actually still and it shouldn't seem so scary.

  
"James..."

  
His emotions were slowly becoming readable. His face was begging.

"It's bigger than just both of us, surely you can understand that, can't you? Don't do anything you would regret."

"Are you implying saving you might be something I'm going to regret?"

Regulus bit his lower lip, his face still turned to the sheets.

"Perhaps..."

"Regulus come on..."

James moved closer and pulled him into a hug. Regulus' forehead against his shoulder, his curls in his neck and his arms around his waist. He could feel the boy trembling in his arms and, for one of the first times in his life, he didn't know what to do. He kissed the top of his head and he felt regulus holding him closer.

  
"Are you crying..?", he carefully asked.

  
Regulus didn't answer nor move.

"Reg?", James pulled away and he saw the Slytherin's face covered in tears.

His porcelain skin was reddened and his serious air was entirely gone. James had never felt this hurt. It was something, seeing someone you loved crying. He had been hurt the first time he saw his best friend crying. But it was something else to see regulus. The boy cried with no sound. Just tears rolling down his pale cheeks and a shattered gaze. Just, pain.

Just a teenage boy having to deal with problems even adults shouldn't have.

Just a teenage boy the war was going to kill.

  
"Hey...", James held him again, "I'm here darling, I'm right there. Everything is okay..."

"Promise you won't do anything, James.", the thick voice answered.

"I can't do that."

  
"James!", he lifted his head to face him, "I need you to promise!", he almost screamed.

James shook his head.

  
"Promise !!", Regulus shouted for real while weakly punching James' chest.

  
"I swear I won't let you down, yes." Was James' promise and Regulus let his tears take control of his body again.

  
He carefully put his long fingers on James’ head. They were cold, they always were. He traced his lover’s face, starting by his lips. Then, he looked at him directly in his eyes, with an aristocratic authority. He was almost shaking but strongly holding the tanned cheeks. His eyes were dead, somehow. Lost, in a world of terror.

  
“Please,” he whispered, James could feel his breath on his lips, “don't do anything stupid.”

  
*

  
James leaned against the cold stones of the castle.

  
"I'm so sorry we have to come to this Regulus... but it's me or them. I can't just watch you do this. I need you to know I don't support this. I won't let you do it without a fight."

  
Regulus, who was standing in the shadow in front of him, let out a sour laugh.

  
"Oh! Look at you, the great James Potter. You came around with great speeches about how you'd never let me down.”, his voice was trembling, “But, as soon, as I start doing something you don't like. As soon as I do something that isn't what you planned for me, you run away.”

  
"That's not-..."

  
"You know, you love to criticize my parents because they have high expectations, they have a precise idea of who I should be... but you're no better than them."

James moved from the wall like he had been burnt.

  
"Come on Reg don't say that you. You know I’m not like them! I just want to protect you.”

"Stop treating me like I was an ignorant child!” Regulus screamed.

He looked tired, James noticed, as he moved closer to him under the moonlight.

“I know what I'm doing, James. Just because it's not what you want me to do doesn't mean it won't work."

"I'm just worried about you. Am I not allowed?"

He pinched his nose. Since when had things become so complicated?

"You have a lot of other things to worry about, James. I shouldn't be one of them."

"Why would you say that? You're on the priority list."

"That's stupid. You should focus on more important things."

"What the hell regulus? Can't you see that you are important?? What do I have to do for you to understand that I l-"

He was about to finally say it. To release those words he knew by heart. But Regulus interrupted him firmly. With a scary authority he had learned from his parents.

"Please don't."

"What?"

"Don't say it."

"Reg...", he pleaded.

"I mean it, James. Don't you dare to end your sentence.", his eyes were as cold as the February snow they had played in only a few months ago.

"This is ridiculous.”, he shook his head, “They're just words."

"They're dangerous words. It would change everything."

But James was a stubborn boy. He took another step closer and put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. "Just because I won't say it out loud doesn't mean I don't feel it."

Regulus softened for a second, a second where James did all he could not to kiss him, before he put his mask on again.

"The same way me not wanting to hear it doesn't mean I don't feel it too.”, he pushed James’ hand away. “But trust me, it's better this way. It will be easier for when it'll end."

"Do you really think that is what's going to happen?"

"Please James don't make you sound more stupid than you already are. You know as well as I do it has to end."

The early Spring wind took his words away, along with James’ heart.

"I thought we would find a way out...", he sounded like a capricious kid.

"I won't change, James and neither will you. I'm not going to leave my family. I'm going to stand with them just like you're going to stand with yours. This only difference is that it won't be the same side."

James wanted to take him by the shoulders and just shake him. How could he talk so casually about things like that? How could he watch so calmly what they had tried so hard to build crumble? What had they done to him to make him believe, that strongly, that there was no other way out?

He rubbed his eyes under his dirty glasses and took a deep breath. He just wanted them to make it.

"Is there really nothing I can do?"

"I'm not my brother, James. I don't need you to save me.”, Regulus harshly concluded.

So James listened to him and James shut up. So James let "I love you" dissolve on the tip of his tongue. He let them burn his throat for years.

*

  
James shivered as he was the other person at the end of the hallway. He was now McGonagall’s proud Head boy. Lily Evan’s even prouder boyfriend and Dumbledore’s Order future member. Yet, he had been scared when he saw who he was supposed to do rounds with tonight.

  
He hadn’t talked to him in months. He had barely seen him. He had heard rumors, of course. Those sorts of things, especially about death eaters, traveled very fast in the castle. James couldn’t tell if the news had hurt more for him or for Sirius.

Regulus had been marked like he had told him he would the last time they saw each other. When they had their last fight. There had been screams, there had been tears, but they hadn’t been able to make something survive.  
Their bombs had finally exploded.

"Let me see it."

  
Regulus froze.

  
"James...", he sighed.

  
"Don't 'James' me. Let me see it I am not kidding."

"Drop it."

James grabbed his wrist as Regulus started to wrestle with him. They fought for a while but James eventually pinned him to the wall, both his hands strongly holding his shoulders.

"Stop it, Potter!", he hissed.

"Not until you show me."

"What for?", he cried, "so you can lecture me about how I made a terrible mistake? About how you are so much better than me? About how I choose the wrong side?"

"Regulus...", James' voice was low, almost broken.

"Shut up!", he screamed, tears at the edge of his grey eyes, "Just shut up." He sighed and freed his arm. "You want to see it? Fine."

He rolled up his sleeve and show his forearm. On the ivory skin, the dark mark was almost glowing, almost mocking James.

It was right there, shinning, officially putting an end to everything that had lived. Everything they had thought they could build. It was right there, killing James’ last hopes of a peaceful life. It was right there, signing the tragic end of their youth.

"There. Happy now?"

James couldn't take away his eyes from the black skull on the boy's skin. He couldn’t help nausea growing in his chest. He could feel his head started to spin. He wanted to punch himself. He hadn't protected the boy he swore to protect. It was too late now.

"Of course not."

Regulus pulled back his robes and pushed the Gryffindor.

"Leave me alone, Potter. We have nothing left to say to each other, you made that very clear months ago.", he spit, "you were right, I became one of them. Enjoy your victory now and leave me in peace."

He started to walk away but James grabbed his arm.

"Do you really think I'm enjoying it, Regulus? Is it really how you see me? Merlin, Reg, you're just going to get killed sooner or later. That doesn't make me happy at all."

"You should have seen their faces...", Regulus whispered, not looking at him, "they were so proud, James. Prouder than when I made it as a prefect. They'll die if I change my mind now. There's no way back. "

  
His voice broke on the last sentence and James had to bite his tongue not to cry.

That boy, he grew up with, was already a man. That boy, who only was seventeen, was more mature than James would ever be.

He released him and stroke his cheek. "I'm sorry...", he murmured.

  
Regulus pushed his hand weakly, as if that simple gesture had taken all of his strength.

"Thank you," he said softly, taking a step back, "for everything."

  
They stared at each other for a while, talking with the pain in their eyes. Regulus' shattered gaze saying goodbye to James' worried one. James' hazel eyes, screaming, at the top of their lungs, "I love you".

  
Regulus opened his lips, breathed in, shook his head and turned around without saying a thing. Because there were too many things to say. Or nothing to say. Or both. Because everything they could have said had already been said. Because it was too late, wasn't it?

  
He disappeared around the corner along with their unspoken declarations.

James never saw him again.

*

  
James rubbed his temples. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt that tired. He was just back from another Order mission and he was exhausted. Well, these days, he was always tired. Fighting and risking his life every day wasn’t as fun as he had thought it would be. He was alone tonight. Lily was off on a mission of her own and so was Sirius.

  
He had dreamt of going to bed for the entire day. He wanted to get a well-deserved sleep, even though he knew it wouldn’t be that much of a rest considering he’d be worried about his wife and his best friend’s return and that he was very likely to have nightmares, but still, it was sleep.

He was about to go to bed when he heard a noise from downstairs. He tensed, took his wand and put his glasses back on. The sound was a typical sound of a house elf being summoned. But they didn’t have one. He quietly went down, ready to cast a spell at any time, he was an Auror after all, but he didn’t see a thing. He scanned the entire floor and didn’t find a soul.

But there was something.

  
On the kitchen table, a letter was waiting for him.

It wasn’t a letter he would have expected, like one from Dumbledore, or Peter, or even Remus. No, it was a letter from someone he had pushed very far in the back of his mind. His name was written on the parchment with that same neat handwriting he remembered perfectly from the dozens of letters he had preciously kept in his drawer. From a relationship he never allowed himself to think about. From a time of his life not that far away but that felt like hundred years ago.

  
He took the paper with trembling hands and went back to his room. He sat on the bed with his heart loud in his ears. He had a weird lump in his throat, and he prayed his intuition was wrong.

  
_James,_

  
_If you are reading this, it means I have finally achieved my goal. It also means that I am probably very dead. But I thought I owed you a proper goodbye._

  
_You were right, obviously, you were. You knew me better than I knew myself but I never wanted to admit it. I wasn't meant to be one of them. I couldn't see myself killing and abusing for power. But I was also right. Even though I didn't know what I was doing at the beginning, I understood quickly none of this could end well._

  
_That's why I found a way to defeat Him. He used a very powerful dark magic, He's as powerful as dangerous, James. I know you think you can win this war but I wouldn't be so sure. He found a terrible way to be immortal. I can't tell you more, that would put you, and the ones you love, in great danger._

  
_Your family, if I dare to say. I heard you were married now. Lily Evans, isn't? Well, it has always been pretty obvious you two were meant for each other. I hope you are happy, James, I hope you'll get the happy ending you deserve, the one you used to dream of when we were still kids._

  
_I'm sorry we couldn't save the world together as you wanted us to. I warned you it couldn't happen but you were too optimistic for me._

_Just so you know, you kept your promise. You never let me down. Even if you think so, you didn't. You taught me what it was to be brave, you inspired me to become the man I am. And I know you, don't blame yourself for this. It isn't your fault. I've made my choices. You made yours. We had paths to follow. It's no one's fault and certainly not yours. The entire world doesn't revolve around you, Potter._   
_I am asking you one last time, do not do anything stupid. Do not foolishly risk your life. It's valuable, you know. People need you._

_And I love you, James. I loved you at 16 when you were brave enough to say it and I was too coward to hear it. I love you now, as I write these words. I'll probably love you until I die._

  
_I was yours, until my last breath. I'll see you in another life, right?_

  
_RAB -_

  
_Ps: give Sirius my love, tell him everything is forgiven and wish him luck._

  
The stains his tears left on the paper were the only witnesses of James cry that night.

_____

  
 **French translation**

“Regulus, tu lui as dit que tu comptais les rejoindre ?” = Regulus, have you told him you were planing on joining them?

“J’imagine que ça veut dire non?” = “I’ll take that as a no”

“Reste en dehors de ça.” = “stay out of it”

“Fais attention, Regulus. Si tu ne lui dis pas, je le ferai.” = “Be careful, Regulus. If you don’t tell him, I will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it sorry that’s not very happy for those times but I can’t picture a happy ending for that ship.
> 
> I’m asking you as a medical student stay at home if you can!!


End file.
